I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
