He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
