a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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