I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
My penis needs a shock collar
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
