I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Your mouth is God's brothel.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
