Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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