Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
