y did u give ur computer a hand job?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
