3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
