Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
