I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
