just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
