the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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