Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
