my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize