My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Randomize