I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
