i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
