I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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