sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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