So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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