he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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