oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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