Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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