I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
