I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He passed out mid-signature
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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