I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
She made me pour olive oil on her.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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