my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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