I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
