The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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