Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He felt like a one man threesome
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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