I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
