Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
