i think my mom watched the whole time
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
