maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I am mentally ready for anal.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
