Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
