i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
