Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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