got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
