When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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