I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
