allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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