I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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