I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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