for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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