I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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