Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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