You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
did i just pee glitter
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
