I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
okay pat passed out under dana's car
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
