There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
