Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We have so much sex to catch up on
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
