apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
