I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
