and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
