Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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