who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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