What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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