I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I wish there were birth control emojis
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
