From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I did not marry a roomba.
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