I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize