Having a random hookup so left but love u
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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