I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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