I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
