After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
