Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
